from the selfish, to you

You sat there. Waiting for the results. Waiting for it to be announced with your heartbeat getting insane in your rib cage. You tried to breathe normally but for some reason you just can’t. Then they tapped the microphone. They talked and every word said was as if in slow mo. They said it, you heard it. Loud and clear. It was your name that was shouted through the black gigantic speakers. You won.

Happiness filled your entire soul. You jumped, you shouted because you simply cannot contain the feelings anymore. You ran to the stage to claim your reward but before your hands made contact with the trophy, they pulled it back. They said that they read the wrong name. And you stood there still, staring at nothingness.

I felt the same thing. I felt the same pain when I think of you. The feeling of losing someone right there in front of you. I thought I actually made a friend. I thought I could keep you in my heart but we drift apart. Slowly.

The agony of slowly being away from a friend you've been so close with is excruciating. The worst part is I knew it was entirely my fault. I was the stupid girl who flirted with a guy you liked. And even after knowing that fact, I continued. God, I’m such a bad person.  You told me not to fall for him, you cautioned me. You were my friend and I wanted to stop but for some shit reason, I didn't.

I know you mean well. You don’t want me hurt and I can’t say with any conviction that he won’t. that I won’t fall for him. That he won’t break my heart like what he did with yours – but how could I have stopped him from taking what was already his? “He swept in like a tsunami, wave after wave I didn't stand a chance. All those warnings you tried to prepare me for – lost in an instant to the enormity of what I felt” I just can’t let him go.

I felt that I chose him over you. And every day, I will always remember and feel the guilt of making this decision. But really, I didn’t. It just did.

For the past days I didn’t know what to do. Every time I’m with him and you’ll look at me, I’ll see your face that somehow tells me “get away from him. I’m hurting” then I’d feel helpless. And it’s the worst feeling. Being torn between doing what will make you feel better and what will make me feel happy. So I just chose to stop talking with you. I thought it was for the better good. But I stand corrected.

Every night I’d get something that will remind me of what I have lost. I tried to get the feelings out of my chest so I wrote them down. And every night, I’d write different passages. And I’ll realize, it was all for you.

“Those talks we shared. The laughter we both gave. The secrets we promised to keep. The friendship we once had. Slowly and painstakingly walking away from us like how we crawl away from one another. Back to where we started, acquaintances. Back to where we began, strangers.”

“I used to like change. But the change in our friendship is a pain I cannot tolerate. A pain in my chest I can never describe. A slit wound that drifts us apart. Slowly.”

“The doubt in our friendship grew. I doubt you felt that. And if ever you did, I doubt you did something to stop it. Because you doubted me like how I doubted if you were really a treasure worth keeping. I doubted our friendship. And our doubts ruined us.”

“Then suddenly a wall was built between us. The worst part? We both built it. Unconsciously. And we recognized a bit late that the wall was already twice as high as our prides combined.”

See, I’m a bit crazy. Scratch that. I am crazy. And yes, I’m a flirt. Like what would everybody call me and I’m not really as proud about that as I you think I am. I am so ashamed about it. But really, that’s what I am. I’m also an insecure bitch. As much as I would like to change myself, to at least pretend, I prefer not to. It takes too much effort. I’ll be me instead.

Maybe I don’t really make sense right now but what I really wanted to say from the moment I typed six different first words of this letter until now is that, I am sorry. Sorry for all the selfish things I did. sorry for all the wrong things I did. Sorry for all the things I did that hurt you. Sorry.

I love you Kelsey and really, I know this maybe useless now but I just wanted to tell you everything. Our friendship may not be mended by this thousand words letter but I still want you and me at peace. At least that.

I still want to tell you a lot of things but I think they are better told in person. I’d still think about them though. I’m sorry for being so dramatic but hey, that’s me :) I missed you so much. And your fluffiness.

The trophy may not touch your fingers. You didn't win. The nothingness you are currently staring at right now will light up. And the light may come from the same person who took it or maybe from someone else. 

-gen

#yolandian

“Ulan ka ba?” he asked. “bakit?” she questioned. “kasi lupa ako. Kahit anong gawin mo, saakin ang bagsak mo” he answered. She smiled sweetly and asked the same question back at him, “Bagyo ka ba?”

The week before Yolanda took lives from the pearl of the orient, social networking sites were as crazy as ever. Though it’s not really a new thing but every status, every tweet, every blog, and every post were all love, unicorns and rainbows. So many love struck people everywhere, especially in high school because really, during this time of our lives, it’s all about love, sex and romance. Okay, maybe I got overboard with sex but you get the point.

There was one girl who met a boy online on this same time. They knew each other outside facebook and somehow, personally too but haven’t really had the time to talk in person. That someone you know but only by their face, smiles at you but you don’t really call a friend? Yes, that’s what they are. They just started talking or chatting on facebook that week before thousands of lives ware taken. They were flirting and very happy too. Posting sweet pick up lines and tagging each other.

The day before Yolanda took lives from the pearl of the orient, social networking sites were as crazy as always. People knew that the strongest typhoon ever is about to hit our country but some continues on ranting and saying that maybe, PAGASA is once again wrong. Statuses and tweets that says “keep safe everyone” is the number one thing that’s on our newsfeed and home. Some even says “Ulan lang yan, Pilipino tayo” though at one point they’re right, we should have been very cautious with the given warning and while half of the Filipino cared, some were still overwhelmed with the fact that classes were suspended. The all-time-happy-high-school-students were still posting about love quotations and somehow assuming to find someone to love during the rainy days.

The two lovebirds finally came up with an idea to meet each other personally and have a date. Unaware of the big storm that was about to destroy their much awaited meet up. They planned the things they wanted to do like, to watch a movie, eat some ice cream, cuddle on their sofa and just plain stare at each other’s eyes the whole time – just a common first date they knew they wouldn’t forget. He promised to pick her up. They couldn’t sleep that night because of too much excitement of their hearts to feel each other’s embrace, flesh to flesh. If only they were warned by the biggest hindrance of their love – mother nature.

The day Yolanda took lives from the pearl of the orient, social networking sites were crazier and more active than ever was. People were panicking and shouting through all caps statuses and tweets. As if everyone cared and was really praying just like what they want their facebook friends and twitter followers to think but in reality, what are they really doing? Sitting in front of their computers, helpless and continues on flirting with someone they just met online. This was the day #Yolandian was on trend. Televisions and radios were all talking about the same thing. Yolanda finally reached the Philippines’ area of responsibility. The eye of the storm hit tacloban, people from there was scared to death while blessed people from manila sat in front of the TV as they watched the reports of the journalists until the signal was off.

They were awaken by the loud sound of the falling rain and the loud hum of the wind. They kept a straight face and stayed quiet for a minute or two. What to do? They looked at the window and there it was – the thick drops of rains that made the surroundings impossible to see through it. After half an hour of staring at nothingness, the sound of the fallen tree from a far somehow confirmed about their cancelled date. She was devastated. He was determined.

The day after Yolanda took lives from the pearl of the orient, social networking sites were loud and ear-splitting through their super long statuses about their sympathies on Yolanda victims with the undying all caps “KAYA NATIN ‘TO PILIPINAS” and the trending “#prayforthephilippines” on twitter that gained the world’s attention. People that was born in Visayas that was part where the storm hit, looked for their relatives on facebook and twitter – hoping someone will contact them and tell them they were alright. Some received the confirmation they wanted but sadly, some received verification of the death of their loved ones. Newspapers, Television news, Radio news, online news, they all talked about the same topic – same calamity. All you can see was how ruined Philippines were, how tragic their lives became after Yolanda happened.

The girl cried as she sat on their sofa, turned on their television and saw what is really happening. What she really needs to know and what is the real thing to be devastated about. She watched the news as the guilt in her heart grew for being so selfish and insensitive. The cancelled date was nothing compared to the thousands of lives taken. She heard people shouting outside their house and her heart was beating so fast but didn’t know why. She went to the crowd of people, circling something beside a fallen tree. She got closer and then she saw him – lying, with his legs under the big tree, dead.

 “Bakit?” he questioned. “Kasi the moment you left my area of responsibility, you left my heart in a state of calamity.”

<3 gen

The Ugly Truth within the Ugly face.

High school - “panahong pilit kang pinapapangit sa panahong pilit kang nagpapa-cute” –Bob Ong

Being in high school in the adolescence age is literally a taste of hell. This is the age when we force ourselves to look good but nature tells us, we can’t. Pimple will pop out of nowhere on the surface of the face and most of the time the pimple arise on places that are really noticeable as if the pimple is shouting “I am a Pimple!”

Ugly truth number 1: Being in adolescence is out of our control and it’s in the midst of time where those red humps on our face will appear without our permission. Acne will ruin everything about your face especially on dates you have prepared so much and excited about. As if wanting to ruin every important dates in your life, pimples will emerge on the day before your prom, on your birthday, or on the day your crush asks you for a date. The solution is to never touch your face no matter what happens even your life depends on it. It will just irritate the area, making your acne worse than it already is.

Ugly truth number 2: (for boys) growing your hair to just achieve that look you adore so much but the school doesn’t feel the same way is your dilemma for like, forever. That feeling you get when you have your haircut and you just want to kill the barber who did your hair is something that is not new to everyone. The teachers will praise your very neat hair but your friends will laugh at you. Dealing with it and suffering the style until it grows long enough for you to regain your confidence you lost the day you got your hair done. The solution is actually just sucking it up for it’s the school rules we are talking about here. No one wants to visit the Guidance office because of a long hair.

Ugly truth number 3: you love food, we all love food. The price we have to pay because of loving this is a heavy weight. Being fat is one of the ugly truths we never want to claim. No matter what happens, we don’t want to be called fat even if it’s more than the truth – to the point where you can actually be the new Heavy weight pound for Pound Champion because of your weight. This ugly truth actually implies to mostly female, for women are more conscious of their weight than men are. The solution is eating MORE. Eat more veggies and fruits that will help you lose those unwanted fats. Don’t just watch your diet, make it right!

Ugly truth number 4: we are all Filipinos. We have dark skin! But the mentality of Filipinos that when a person has a white skin, she/he is beautiful or handsome as hell is something we cannot change. This is what the society tells us and we are to gullible to define our own meaning of beauty. Having a dark skin is something you don’t need to be ashamed of. You don’t need to put too much foundation everyday to just show people you are beautiful. Having an even dark skin is better than a striped white skin – the face is fair but the neck is not, the arms are fair but the elbows are not and the legs are fair but the knees are black. The solution is to not give a damn to everyone who criticizes your colour. Sent that someone out of your country.

Ugly truth number 5: we are too overwhelmed of what the society tells about beauty to the extent that we consider ourselves the ugliest creature alive. We idolize too much to the point where you want to be someone else just to meet those wants. The solution is to believe that there is beauty within but don’t just let that beauty inside of you, let it out! Make efforts, for simplicity is not really in trend now. Be someone you can be proud of and accept the facts you can never change.

“Kahit na anong gwapo at ganda pa niyang crush ng bayan niyo ngayong taon, magmumukha rin yang pandesal pagdating ng panahon. Peksman yan!” – Bob Ong.

<3 gen

#SELFIE-sh in Yolanda

“Went to Starbucks:
RICH KID – uploaded one photo.
 POOR KID: uploaded 1 album”

There are two types of teenagers who go to Starbucks in the Philippines. The first kind were not specifically a rich kid but someone who drinks coffee from the well known coffee shop on a daily basis and the others who thinks Starbucks is a place where coffees and Fraps were worshiped and having their feet on that “holy place” is not something that happens every day so they have to take pictures – lots of selfies, with the “holy bottle” filled with “holy drink” beside their faces.

When Yolanda reached the Philippine area of responsibility, most of the people were in fear and terror – praying that they would still live for the next day. They were panicking and in search for security but while these people were worrying about their lives, some were holding their iPhones, taking selfies with their coffee brought from starbucks, with their lunch inside a restaurant and maybe even with their ice cream during the cold weather. While some selfless people post prayers for people in visayas through social networking sites, selfish people had the nerve to post foods they were eating and places they were in to relax.

These are the ones who think only of themselves and people who never thought that these simple acts show how less they care for their countrymen.  How inconsiderate people are is something you can never measure. This kind of post makes me fuming and it breaks my heart at the same time. This selfish action was ignored by most teenagers.

Sometimes we keep asking ourselves why. Why do the worst things, worst Storms or even the worst politicians were given to the Philippines – but we always end up with no answer. Is it such an honour to be visited by the strongest storm? - Or such a privilege to be the ones to welcome them into the world? No. Even if our country has been in this cycle for a very long time, it gets tiring to start all over again in a scratch. We sometimes think it’s unfair then ask ourselves the same whys again. It’s a never ending road to Calvary.

The Philippines is such a courageous country after all these afflictions bestowed upon us. When we look back, all the pain and misery were surpassed and we all can see Filipinos smiling with all their teeth showing, from ear to ear. Isn’t it such beautiful scenery? Then maybe Yolanda has really brought something good to us. It showed how people can work together as one for one mission and revealed how strong the Filipino people’s power even if it took great amounts of lives to realize this.

“Went to a relief operating centre:
RICH KID and POOR KID uploaded “Selfies” together with the relief goods:
BABANGON TAYO, PILIPINAS!”

<3 gen

The agony in the white throne

Keep calm and focus on not pooping. 

It’s hard to command your poop to not go out for it’s not the right time and you are in the wrong place because the poop is not really the most cooperative thing in the world especially when it feels to get some fresh air and dip into the water. When it needs to go out, it needs to go out.

They say that home is where you can poop most comfortably so, if the school is our second home, should our comfort rooms in our school be the second most comfortable restroom there is? Yes it should be but being born poor is something that is out of our control so as going to a public school where some students still don’t know the existence of a flush. For those who doesn’t know what a flush is, it’s the silver thing you push down for the water to clean the bowl- the modernized way of putting water to the toilet with the use of a “tabo”

Students in Public schools face this kind of problem when they need to take of their loads inside their tummy or the bladder. The room as a whole is not the most pleasant place you want to see and smell like a rotten Victoria secret perfume – if that ever happens. The white throne or the toilet bowl is not something you want to sit on and the door is not really something you would call a door. So instead of going inside, you would actually consider to just wait until you got home to be comforted in the right comfort room.

One Saturday on our MTAP session, a private school came to our school and carry out their session there. Their teacher asked me where the comfort room is so I pointed where the closest is in our place. He then smiled and asked where a clean comfort room is and I couldn’t answer because I don’t have one. He said that comfort rooms in our school were much cleaner at his time and the reason why he is asking for a much cleaner comfort room or at least a decent one is because his students complained about not being used to 

these kinds of restrooms for they have a comfort room that is actually comfortable.

Having a clean comfort room is actually a necessity in every school whether it may be a public school or a private one. Clean C.R. affects our habits in studying and our personal hygiene. If given this kind of rest room, we can actually say that it improved our way of living inside our schools.

My mom once told me that comfort rooms usually reflects what kind of people who stays and lives inside a house are. That is why she always wants our bathroom clean. If so, comforts rooms in buildings and schools reflects what kinds of employees and students are in that specific place.

The need to fix our rest rooms should be a priority and the students should not let the dirty throne and the smelly kingdom be a reflection of their personality and define who they are. Students should treat the comfort rooms in schools like their own in their home. The school is their second home anyway.

When the poop needs to go out, so be it. The agony of letting the poop out in the smelly kingdom and the dirty throne is easier than the embarrassment of pooping in the classroom with your classmates, while the teacher is discussing. 

<3 gen

Surviving hell with the Angels

The best days in school are the first and the last ones. The worst days of school are every last week of the quarter.

Everyone complains, no one does nothing. We are all in the same game, just different levels and Dealing with the same hell just different devils. It’s not just the same shit, different day kind of thing for all the proctors and teachers have reached the level where they escalated from being the angel to the ruthless devil. Like how Satan was first 

an Angel.

We have reached the hell week of the quarter. What makes the matter worse? It’s just the first wave.

My sister once said that among the four years of high school, the last one is the best. “petiks lang” she said and I was the girl too gullible to ask why, so I was excited to leave third year high school and face the easy world of being a senior.

Little did I know that what actually awaits me is a taste of hell of a different planet and being in the cream section, everyone expects you to do not just good but better than the rest. Teachers talks about honours and diplomas for a day or two and the ones interested in those kinds of discussions are the crocodiles who fishes for compliments and achievements believing it designs who they are and will lead them to a sure success for their future. These things won’t actually matter for the next few years of our life because no matter how hard we try to do something remarkable that would actually change the world; there will come a time when everyone forgets about you.

As days go by, like playing candy crush, things will be harder and more troublesome. Chocolates will ruin everything and candy bombs won’t crush itself. Giving reports to every student and demanding them to explain it to the whole class just like asking these students to do their jobs but obeying them anyway. Once it’s done and actually feel it’s the end of all the suffering, we praise the Lord.

Then the last week of the quarter came, we curse once again and harder this time. Projects are given everywhere and deadlines are scheduled on same date. Who would have thought that teachers don’t just talk about gossips and salary increase but also making students cram and make their lives miserable for the whole week? Who would but the students who abhor studying.

At this time of the month where everything goes against your plan because doing all the projects that will eventually end up in the trash is not the only thing that students will worry about but also the periodical exams. And what’s more important from periodical exams is the entrance exam seniors have to take to be an “iskolar ng bayan”, the UPCAT.

At this point of the senior’s life, we may curse everything that makes life difficult for us but later in life, when we finally graduate, we will realize that it was easier to be a senior than working or being a college student. Because one way or another, we will say the same thing about senior year being the best.

The best days may be the first and last because it’s the easiest but the best memories are kept in the middle.

<3 gen