Sunday, March 16, 2014

from the selfish, to you

You sat there. Waiting for the results. Waiting for it to be announced with your heartbeat getting insane in your rib cage. You tried to breathe normally but for some reason you just can’t. Then they tapped the microphone. They talked and every word said was as if in slow mo. They said it, you heard it. Loud and clear. It was your name that was shouted through the black gigantic speakers. You won.

Happiness filled your entire soul. You jumped, you shouted because you simply cannot contain the feelings anymore. You ran to the stage to claim your reward but before your hands made contact with the trophy, they pulled it back. They said that they read the wrong name. And you stood there still, staring at nothingness.

I felt the same thing. I felt the same pain when I think of you. The feeling of losing someone right there in front of you. I thought I actually made a friend. I thought I could keep you in my heart but we drift apart. Slowly.
The agony of slowly being away from a friend you've been so close with is excruciating. The worst part is I knew it was entirely my fault. I was the stupid girl who flirted with a guy you liked. And even after knowing that fact, I continued. God, I’m such a bad person.  You told me not to fall for him, you cautioned me. You were my friend and I wanted to stop but for some shit reason, I didn't.

I know you mean well. You don’t want me hurt and I can’t say with any conviction that he won’t. that I won’t fall for him. That he won’t break my heart like what he did with yours – but how could I have stopped him from taking what was already his? “He swept in like a tsunami, wave after wave I didn't stand a chance. All those warnings you tried to prepare me for – lost in an instant to the enormity of what I felt” I just can’t let him go.

I felt that I chose him over you. And every day, I will always remember and feel the guilt of making this decision. But really, I didn’t. It just did.

For the past days I didn’t know what to do. Every time I’m with him and you’ll look at me, I’ll see your face that somehow tells me “get away from him. I’m hurting” then I’d feel helpless. And it’s the worst feeling. Being torn between doing what will make you feel better and what will make me feel happy. So I just chose to stop talking with you. I thought it was for the better good. But I stand corrected.

Every night I’d get something that will remind me of what I have lost. I tried to get the feelings out of my chest so I wrote them down. And every night, I’d write different passages. And I’ll realize, it was all for you.
“Those talks we shared. The laughter we both gave. The secrets we promised to keep. The friendship we once had. Slowly and painstakingly walking away from us like how we crawl away from one another. Back to where we started, acquaintances. Back to where we began, strangers.”

“I used to like change. But the change in our friendship is a pain I cannot tolerate. A pain in my chest I can never describe. A slit wound that drifts us apart. Slowly.”

“The doubt in our friendship grew. I doubt you felt that. And if ever you did, I doubt you did something to stop it. Because you doubted me like how I doubted if you were really a treasure worth keeping. I doubted our friendship. And our doubts ruined us.”

“Then suddenly a wall was built between us. The worst part? We both built it. Unconsciously. And we recognized a bit late that the wall was already twice as high as our prides combined.”

See, I’m a bit crazy. Scratch that. I am crazy. And yes, I’m a flirt. Like what would everybody call me and I’m not really as proud about that as I you think I am. I am so ashamed about it. But really, that’s what I am. I’m also an insecure bitch. As much as I would like to change myself, to at least pretend, I prefer not to. It takes too much effort. I’ll be me instead.

Maybe I don’t really make sense right now but what I really wanted to say from the moment I typed six different first words of this letter until now is that, I am sorry. Sorry for all the selfish things I did. sorry for all the wrong things I did. Sorry for all the things I did that hurt you. Sorry.

I love you Kelsey and really, I know this maybe useless now but I just wanted to tell you everything. Our friendship may not be mended by this thousand words letter but I still want you and me at peace. At least that.

I still want to tell you a lot of things but I think they are better told in person. I’d still think about them though. I’m sorry for being so dramatic but hey, that’s me :) I missed you so much. And your fluffiness.

The trophy may not touch your fingers. You didn't win. The nothingness you are currently staring at right now will light up. And the light may come from the same person who took it or maybe from someone else.